Hello there.
I've been thinking about starting a blog for quite a while, though there were many things stopping me from doing it, I finally decided.
There are lots of blogs in Blogland. Blogs about fashion, decoration, healthy living, cooking...
But when I needed to find a blog to which I could really relate, I didn't (maybe I didn't search well enough...). So now, that my own struggle is pretty much reaching its end, my experience might be helpful to somebody out there dealing with the same crap I've had to deal. I will openly talk about my problems, and how I've dealt with them. One of my main objectives here is to be as honest as possible, because bloggers sometimes don't really understand how much damage they do when they lie. So, here I go:
I am Pol, 19 years old, and a student. I love writing, reading, singing, cooking and hanging out with my friends and boyfriend. I don't really like my career so I will probably switch to another one soon. I have a cute hamster as a pet and if I wasn't allergic I'd LOVE to have a dog. I love my life right now, but it wasn't always like this. In fact, not at all.
Because I had/have an eating disorder (and many other issues related to it).
Which one? I'm not even sure. I was always overweight, ever since I was a little kid, I never knew what being thin was. I wasn't obese, just chubby, but my self-esteem was low enough for me to decide falling into the deep, deep rabbit hole of eating disorders.
Long story short, I intermittently gained and lost weight for years, until I was 18, got obsessed with it and lost 26 pounds in 5 months. I don't want to over-dramatize my experience, but it was terrible for me: food was the only thing in my mind, I never went out, I didn't enjoy my life, I stopped wanting to live because 'ew-calories'. I became a terribly bitter person and everybody who knew me could sense it. It was pretty stupid because getting thinner was supposed to make me happy, not to change me into this sick, obsessed, manipulative person.
So like most of the obsessed-with-food people, I fell into a bingeing cycle after my restrictive period... that caught me for a whole year. Once again, the only thing I thought about was food. It was terrible. I gained all the weight back. I tried everything but I just couldn't stop bingeing. I felt like I completely lost control of my life. I tried restricting and ended up hardcore bingeing every single time, it was a cycle I had no escape from.
I have always been an anxious person, but all this food-obsession crap skyrocketed my levels of it. It was so bad that I had to run away from many social situations. I was having anxiety crisis all day long, and thinking that people could discover me made me even more anxious. I didn't want to get up in the mornings, I felt like life isn't something worth living, that each day was a struggle and that I would never feel well again.
A relative of mine passed away under dramatic circumstances. It was an accident. She was pregnant. My family and I were crushed. That was when I decided I couldn't keep hurting myself anymore. I just couldn't be that ungrateful. Sometimes you just can't have everything you want the way you want it, and that's life. I decided that if I had and eating disorder or something I just had to fight it, no matter how hard. Because, shit, it really is hard but I just couldn't keep dwelling on how 'unlucky' I was.
So I stared fighting my demons. My anxiety, my low self-esteem, my bingeing, my obsession with food. It's taken me eight months to get where I am today, but I'm finally finding peace. Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I could have made. He taught to me try being more balanced, and to understand that being fat doesn't make me less of a person, but he also encouraged me to take proper care of my health, which I think is the best path. You don't need to be skinny, but you do need to take care of yourself. And your shit too.
I can't say I'm 'oh-so-healthy' and 'soooorecovered' because I would be lying. I still have rough moments, I still have bad days. But that's what they are, only moments or days. The most of the time I'm feeling great, wanting to live and ready to keep fighting this crap. I want to look back and think 'I can't believe how much it mattered'. I want to leave this behind so each time I meet somebody I won't have to worry about them finding out how troubled I am. I just want to be ok.
So I'm working toward achieving it! I'm rebuilding my confidence, self-esteem and health. I'm kicking the binges out of my life, and all the crap associated to them. I'm also trying to lose weight so I stay on an average range that makes me feel more confident - and I'm doing it the healthy way! No shortcuts this time!
As I pointed out before, if my experiences helps anybody out there in the world of internet... I'll be satisfied about writing here :)
Hugs to those taking the time to read me,
Pol
