What I Have Learned (Recovery Freedoms)

Hi people! It's been a while since I last posted. For some reason I just couldn't get inspired enough to finish all the posts I was working on so I decided to do a different one.

In my posts I tend to stay pretty far from my personal life, I'm usually a pretty private person on my instagram and blog. But this time I'm going to cross that line because this post is going to be basically about how my life has improved since I started my treatment. This is going to be a collection of what I have learned during my recovery from BED, and a comparison between my life before and after it. Even though I cannot say that I'm fully recovered yet, this experience has given so much freedom -and has been very challenging at the same time-.

And well, without any further explanation I'm just going to start saying that during my recovery I...

♡Have been able to learn to enjoy cheat meals: For example, I was able to go to Dunkin' Donuts with my boyfriend without bingeing. Every time I went before my treatment I would a) not eat anything or b) binge. But this time I was able to enjoy myself without obsessing about the food.

♡Have started to eat in social situations without focusing on the food but on the people I'm talking to. Actually being present. I don't know if you can relate to me, maybe you can. But this used to be terrible for me. I used to be stressed when in company because I just couldn't stop thinking about dieting or bingeing even if I didn't want to think about it, so I didn't feel 100% present, but now I do. This has given me the freedom of being able to go anywhere I want and to any event I want to go without worrying about what I'll be eating or not.

♡Celebrated my birthday (two times!): I celebrated it with my family and the next day with my former school mates, and I had lots of fun. I had the freedom of enjoying the company of the people I love instead of being focusing bingeing or not bingeing all the time. Now, the week of my birthday was stressful because I ate extra junk food... but I managed to get back on track the next week. And I didn't binge :)

♡Have been scared, many times: During the first week of my recovery I took a huge leap of faith (metaphorically speaking, of course) that was starting to follow a non-restrictive meal plan. This meant putting an end to my diets, to my "I binged yesterday so today I'll skip dinner" sort of behavior. I had little control, I could only choose between my options for each meal and there was no calorie-counting involved. My first week was really scary, really. I was surprised at the amounts of food I had to eat at every meal, I was scared that I could gain weight but I still followed it. After a few days I noticed that I had fewer and fewer urges to binge. And now, that more time has passed, after 70+ days without bingeing I can say that this leap of faith was a great decision, if not one of the most important ones in my recovery.
Because after all that initial fear of gaining weight because of bigger portions... I stopped restricting, bingeing even managed to lose weight as a consequence of that without it being the center of my life and without harming my body on the process.

♡Have learned "normal" eating behaviors: Deciding what to eat pretty quickly. Since I follow a very flexible and non-restrictive meal plan, choosing what I'm going to eat is very easy now. I pick what I want and eat until I'm satisfied. I'm slowly reconnecting to my body.

♡Regained the ability to focus! I was having issues with my concentration because all my energy was being wasted in my eating disorder, but I can use that energy in my real interests now.

♡Am learning to deal with my perfectionism: I am a perfectionist, which can be helpful but dangerous too if you let it rule your life. So I'm learning to deal with it, I'm starting to "be friends" with it and my anxiety levels are very well regulated.

♡I have (finally) started to enjoy exercise as a part of a healthy lifestyle and not as a tool for weight-loss or punishment: I really used to hate sports, they were only a calorie-burning system for me. But now I get to enjoy my 30-minutes on the treadmill with some nice music, it makes me feel good and it's good for my health.

❤︎ My recovery has been AMAZING for me. I have learned a lot from it, my life has improved in so many ways that I'm still surprised by it. When I look back I can see how tangled I was with my eating disorder and how much it was ruling my life. I was aware of it but now that I can see it with some distance I have better perspective. Now I know how much I was missing. But I also know there was always hope and at least in my case seeking treatment was the best option. The following points are the most meaningful for me in this post.❤︎

❤︎ My recovery made me step out of my comfort zone (of dieting/bingeing): Cliché? yes. But it's true. I needed to do it. But I wasn't really able to until I asked for professional help and I finally arrived to the conclusion that my self-worth can never be tied to my weight. In the end, leaving my old, unhealthy and repetitive comfort zone gave me a new, much better and healthier one which is balance :).

❤︎ Asking for help didn't make me a loser: I am a proud person, and sometimes I can be stubborn, so asking for help wasn't an easy decision for me, it took me about a year. I really thought I could recover on my own and I tried many methods, I read books, investigated about the subject, meditated, tried different approaches, but in the end I figured out that I couldn't do it alone. I wanted to recover with all my heart, but I didn't know how or where to start, it was just too much for me, and looking back, that's ok. When I finally figured it out, I broke the silence. And it did take a lot from me to say those words. It was hard telling my mother that I wasn't well, that I needed help desperately, but by then I knew that to get my life back I had no other choice. And now that I think about it I don't feel like I am loser for asking for help, I feel that doing it was very brave. I was scared, depressed, and disoriented but I still wanted to fight to get better. I chose to recover. I chose to get my life back, and I don't regret it for a single second. It hasn't been easy but has been completely worth it.

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Ok people! I really hope you liked this post. I wrote it so you can see how much recovery can change a person's life, it definitely has changed mine. If you have any questions you can always leave a comment here or send me a direct on my instagram, also if you want me to write about a specific topic related to binge eating disorder please let me know. Stay strong everybody, you can do this!

Pol ❤︎

Stop Thinking About Losing Weight!

Hello there :) I have been thinking about the importance of a post like this for a while and I finally decided I would write it. This has been very important in my recovery from binge eating disorder. And as I usually say: I am not a professional. My ultimate advice is always to seek professional help. I take the time to write these posts because this is what has worked for me, and my life has drastically changed since I started doing these things, so if I can help a little, that's great. But if you have an eating disorder, and if you can, please, please, please, seek treatment.

An eating disorder is an illness. The causes can be biological, genetic, social or a combination of them. An eating disorder can coexist with other pathologies like depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, etc. Eating disorders can be very different from one another and sometimes people may think that they have nothing to do with each other. Some are completely restrictive and others are all about excesses, but then again, if we pay attention to them, what they cause is a  disturbance in the normal eating habits of a person.

An eating disorder won't let you eat normally and guiltlessly. And because eating is something you do about 5 times a day, every day, an eating disorder won't let you live normally.

Even if they are all eating disorders, and they all cause a huge over estimation of the importance that weight and food have in life, the treatment for each eating disorder is different, and of course each recovery is different too. There's is no such thing as one right way to recover (and there's also no point in comparing your recovery to another person's recovery).

One of the things I have learned so far, is that when you really want to get better you have to give up some things. You need step out of your comfort zone. You've probably read this before, but this is the point of the post: You need to stop thinking about losing weight.

Ask somebody to keep the scale for you, or put it somewhere else if you can't help weighing youself everyday, stop doing bodychecks. Stop judging your body. It's hard at first but really need to stop all those punitive weight-related behaviors as soon as possible because they are not helpful with your recovery.

Now, this is from my experience: when I first committed to my recovery I gave up the idea of losing weight and I had my reasons. But, I have lost about 6 lbs since I started my treatment. I know I sound like an idiot when I say this but please keep reading, because I will explain...

You can't recover from an eating disorder and attempt to lose weight at the same time.

I know that those who have binge eating disorder commonly are expecting to lose weight. And I completely understand, I really do because I had that mindset before, but it's no use. It's not going to help you to recover from something so complex like an eating disorder.

Because those things, they are incompatible. It's like rowing in two opposite directions. It doesn't make any sense and this is the reason: when you're focusing on the weight loss only -the result- you are tying your self-worth to your weight. And that is exactly what recovery isn't about! When you start making progress with your self-esteem, and you start loving yourself as you are, and the treatment starts to work and the binges start to be less and less frequent... Weight-loss comes as a consequence.

And when weight-loss comes as a consequence it feels like a blessing.

If you have BED and it developed like mine (after losing weight because of a highly restrictive and long diet) when you actually notice you lost some weight, no matter how little and no matter slow, but without suffering, obsession, and without compromising your health. I promise you, you will feel how you are breaking free from the ED chains.

As I've said before it's not all rainbows and butterflies -I also like pointing out my struggles because you need to know that it's not all perfect, and that it is perfectly ok to feel down now and then-, and there are still some ED thoughts that have to be progressively attacked. I started my treatment being a bit overweight, and when I first noticed some weight-loss I noticed some thoughts like "whoa I'm starting to look like that again" and then that nasty voice popped out of that corner of my mind "I could start working out like before" but hey, those are the moments when I have to recognize my ED voice and stop it right there and be strong enough to carry on and follow this path I have been creating, this new path that is finally taking me to where I'll have a healthy relationship with myself, with food and exercise.

And nope, I'll never be perfect, I'll never look like a model and I'll probably never be skinny. I may never have a thigh gap but I really don't care. The only thing I'm looking for now is confidence and health.

I'm feeling happy most of the time :) and also tomorrow is my binge-free day number 50! yay!

Ok, so I really hope you liked this post. If you agree/disagree, or have any doubts regarding my treatment feel free to leave a comment (they are open).

Have a nice week everybody. You can do this, it's hard but not impossible.

Pol

Unexpected Effects of Recovery

Hello there :) 

I've noticed that on Instagram I tend to only show the positive side of my journey and while I'm not doing that on purpose (I just don't feel like sharing pictures when I'm not feeling OK) I don't want to give people a false image on what recovery is. Because, yes, recovery is great, but it's also hard and unexpected things happen to you while you're at it, and I want to be honest about it. Maybe you won't get pictures of me while I'm on my bad moments, but in this post I'm going to share with you some unexpected things that have happened to me during my treatment.

I don't understand how time passes. Somedays I feel like I started my treatment yesterday, on some other days I feel like I've been recovering for months. However, it's been 40 days. 40 days in recovery, 40 days without binge eating, 40 days taking medications, 40 days doing psychotherapy. When I look back, I can clearly see all the progress I've made. Of course there's up's and down's, and sometimes I can't help listening to my ED voice, whispering all those nasty words on the corner of my mind. Thankfully until now it has remained just as that, a voice. Annoying, potentially harmful, but just a voice. There's no bingeing, no purging, and no restricting. And that is a great improvement. So most of the time I'm doing well. 

But there is something strange that I never considered would happen to me when I decided I was starting the treatment. Since my binge eating worked pretty much like an addiction, I had moments that felt pretty "adrenalinic", sometimes I felt kinda high when I binged. While I don't miss it emotionally (or at least consciously) I do feel a little strange. At times I feel like I am waiting for something stressful to happen. I've realized it is because I was so used to the diet-binge cycle. When I had my "good" period, and then the "chaos" when I couldn't resist anymore and I ended up bingeing. 

It's like I have more space in my head for my emotions. Hidden thoughts and feelings that I used to suppress with my binges are resurfacing, so I find myself having some very emotional days which are not necessarily bad, I just feel more sensitive than I usually do. 

Now I'm adapting to this new way of living, where my worth is not tied to my weight and food isn't the main topic of my life. I'm slowly learning to use the energy I used to put into all my obsessions into other things, like my studies. Seeing how I'm slowly regaining my life is one of the best parts of recovery.

After accepting the fear of a possible binge eating relapse (I may write a post about it later) and starting to accept that I deserved getting better, and understanding that it was real! I started to have calm days. Those days feel peaceful, as if all the stress my eating disorder and my obsessions used to bring me are completely gone. I feel calm and empowered, like I am the one who rules my life now. 

Even when it's not all rainbows and butterflies, I am who chooses. Because I chose to get better.

So... Recovery has pushed me out of comfort zone many times, and at first I was eager and scared at the same time of all the challenges I had in front of me. There have been tough moments, and at times I've thought that I just can't do it. But then I've remembered that nothing else has worked before, and that the mistakes I've made before have only brought me pain in the end. And in only 40 days I've had so many little satisfactions, that I can already say that this is definitely the path for me. 

Thanks for taking the time for reading and visiting my blog! I hope you found this post useful somehow. If you have any questions don't hesitate to leave a comment :) As I usually say, this is my experience, but if I can help somehow I'll be glad to do so. Stay strong, you got this.

Pol

Recovery does taste sweet

I'm writing this post today with just one objective in mind: I want to say how good treatment has been to me so far.

Guys, I'm basically learning to eat again, from scratch. Having four meals and a mid-morning snack. I'm eating more carbs than before - I was stuck in the binge-restrict cycle - , I'm enjoying my meals, I'm learning to listen to my body, to understand when I'm hungry and when I'm actually wanting to use food as a cope system. And I'm doing pretty well. :)

I've been at it for two weeks but I've already lost a little amount of weight (which is really not my main goal here but it does make a little happy, I'm not going to lie).
I haven't binged in more than ten days and that is a HUGE improvement in my life quality, considering that I used to binge about once or twice a week, just to keep obsessing over food and calories.

The fact that somebody made a personalized list of the foods I can eat makes me not worry about gaining weight anymore. And it's not a diet, so I don't have this constant feeling of restriction. Today I had two squares of dark chocolate for the first time, I was really scared that it would end up in a binge because since I started my treatment I haven't eaten chocolate. So I tried to rationalize the situation and finally realized that two squares of dark chocolate (that are actually allowed in my meal plan by my dietitian) were not going to make me binge. Finally I just took the chocolate portion and enjoyed it. And then I thought:

Recovery does taste sweet.

Because I felt so free enjoying my two squares of chocolate, and that guiltless chocolate squares tasted way better than dozens of guilt-loaded chocolate binges.

I also have to say, and this is really important, that I am taking two different pills that my psychiatrist gave me. Those are so my brain learns to regulate it's serotonin levels on it's own and stops depending on the binge eating to get them higher. I think this has been crucial. Because I tried SO MANY THINGS but I still always felt the urges. This time, I'm still feeling them... But they are so much weaker and manageable, I really can "snap out of them" distracting myself.

I'm also having a session with my psychologist once a week, and that, is tough. Because binge eating is a way of avoiding issues... Now that I'm not bingeing I feel like those issues (which are very personal and I prefer not sharing here) are returning, and I have to grow up, and deal with them like I haven't really done before. I have to learn to really love myself, I need to learn to be on my own.

If I learn to deal with my emotional issues and I stop using food as a cope mechanism at the same time, I will be able to break the vicious cycle, or so the theory says. So, I know I've just been ten days at it, I know it won't always be easy (in fact I'm very, very emotional right now), but I believe I will do it this time. Conclusion: this is my "I highly encourage you to seek treatment post". And guys, believe me, if I can do it, there's no way you can't.

Hugs,

Pol

PS: My comments are open in case you have questions regarding to binge eating or treatment options, I'm not a professional, but I'm willing to help in any way I can.

Heading into Blogland...

Hello there.

I've been thinking about starting a blog for quite a while, though there were many things stopping me from doing it, I finally decided.

There are lots of blogs in Blogland. Blogs about fashion, decoration, healthy living, cooking...
But when I needed to find a blog to which I could really relate, I didn't (maybe I didn't search well enough...). So now, that my own struggle is pretty much reaching its end, my experience might be helpful to somebody out there dealing with the same crap I've had to deal. I will openly talk about my problems, and how I've dealt with them. One of my main objectives here is to be as honest as possible, because bloggers sometimes don't really understand how much damage they do when they lie. So, here I go:

I am Pol, 19 years old, and a student. I love writing, reading, singing, cooking and hanging out with my friends and boyfriend. I don't really like my career so I will probably switch to another one soon. I have a cute hamster as a pet and if I wasn't allergic I'd LOVE to have a dog. I love my life right now, but it wasn't always like this. In fact, not at all.

Because I had/have an eating disorder (and many other issues related to it).

Which one? I'm not even sure. I was always overweight, ever since I was a little kid, I never knew what being thin was. I wasn't obese, just chubby, but my self-esteem was low enough for me to decide falling into the deep, deep rabbit hole of eating disorders.

Long story short, I intermittently gained and lost weight for years, until I was 18, got obsessed with it and lost 26 pounds in 5 months. I don't want to over-dramatize my experience, but it was terrible for me: food was the only thing in my mind, I never went out, I didn't enjoy my life, I stopped wanting to live because 'ew-calories'. I became a terribly bitter person and everybody who knew me could sense it. It was pretty stupid because getting thinner was supposed to make me happy, not to change me into this sick, obsessed, manipulative person.

So like most of the obsessed-with-food people, I fell into a bingeing cycle after my restrictive period... that caught me for a whole year. Once again, the only thing I thought about was food. It was terrible. I gained all the weight back. I tried everything but I just couldn't stop bingeing. I felt like I completely lost control of my life. I tried restricting and ended up hardcore bingeing every single time, it was a cycle I had no escape from.

I have always been an anxious person, but all this food-obsession crap skyrocketed my levels of it. It was so bad that I had to run away from many social situations. I was having anxiety crisis all day long, and thinking that people could discover me made me even more anxious. I didn't want to get up in the mornings, I felt like life isn't something worth living, that each day was a struggle and that I would never feel well again.

A relative of mine passed away under dramatic circumstances. It was an accident. She was pregnant. My family and I were crushed. That was when I decided I couldn't keep hurting myself anymore. I just couldn't be that ungrateful. Sometimes you just can't have everything you want the way you want it, and that's life. I decided that if I had and eating disorder or something I just had to fight it, no matter how hard. Because, shit, it really is hard but I just couldn't keep dwelling on how 'unlucky' I was.

So I stared fighting my demons. My anxiety, my low self-esteem, my bingeing, my obsession with food. It's taken me eight months to get where I am today, but I'm finally finding peace. Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I could have made. He taught to me try being more balanced, and to understand that being fat doesn't make me less of a person, but he also encouraged me to take proper care of my health, which I think is the best path. You don't need to be skinny, but you do need to take care of yourself. And your shit too.

I can't say I'm 'oh-so-healthy' and 'soooorecovered' because I would be lying. I still have rough moments, I still have bad days. But that's what they are, only moments or days. The most of the time I'm feeling great, wanting to live and ready to keep fighting this crap. I want to look back and think 'I can't believe how much it mattered'. I want to leave this behind so each time I meet somebody I won't have to worry about them finding out how troubled I am. I just want to be ok.

So I'm working toward achieving it! I'm rebuilding my confidence, self-esteem and health. I'm kicking the binges out of my life, and all the crap associated to them. I'm also trying to lose weight so I stay on an average range that makes me feel more confident - and I'm doing it the healthy way! No shortcuts this time!

As I pointed out before, if my experiences helps anybody out there in the world of internet... I'll be satisfied about writing here :)

Hugs to those taking the time to read me,
Pol