Stop Thinking About Losing Weight!

Hello there :) I have been thinking about the importance of a post like this for a while and I finally decided I would write it. This has been very important in my recovery from binge eating disorder. And as I usually say: I am not a professional. My ultimate advice is always to seek professional help. I take the time to write these posts because this is what has worked for me, and my life has drastically changed since I started doing these things, so if I can help a little, that's great. But if you have an eating disorder, and if you can, please, please, please, seek treatment.

An eating disorder is an illness. The causes can be biological, genetic, social or a combination of them. An eating disorder can coexist with other pathologies like depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, etc. Eating disorders can be very different from one another and sometimes people may think that they have nothing to do with each other. Some are completely restrictive and others are all about excesses, but then again, if we pay attention to them, what they cause is a  disturbance in the normal eating habits of a person.

An eating disorder won't let you eat normally and guiltlessly. And because eating is something you do about 5 times a day, every day, an eating disorder won't let you live normally.

Even if they are all eating disorders, and they all cause a huge over estimation of the importance that weight and food have in life, the treatment for each eating disorder is different, and of course each recovery is different too. There's is no such thing as one right way to recover (and there's also no point in comparing your recovery to another person's recovery).

One of the things I have learned so far, is that when you really want to get better you have to give up some things. You need step out of your comfort zone. You've probably read this before, but this is the point of the post: You need to stop thinking about losing weight.

Ask somebody to keep the scale for you, or put it somewhere else if you can't help weighing youself everyday, stop doing bodychecks. Stop judging your body. It's hard at first but really need to stop all those punitive weight-related behaviors as soon as possible because they are not helpful with your recovery.

Now, this is from my experience: when I first committed to my recovery I gave up the idea of losing weight and I had my reasons. But, I have lost about 6 lbs since I started my treatment. I know I sound like an idiot when I say this but please keep reading, because I will explain...

You can't recover from an eating disorder and attempt to lose weight at the same time.

I know that those who have binge eating disorder commonly are expecting to lose weight. And I completely understand, I really do because I had that mindset before, but it's no use. It's not going to help you to recover from something so complex like an eating disorder.

Because those things, they are incompatible. It's like rowing in two opposite directions. It doesn't make any sense and this is the reason: when you're focusing on the weight loss only -the result- you are tying your self-worth to your weight. And that is exactly what recovery isn't about! When you start making progress with your self-esteem, and you start loving yourself as you are, and the treatment starts to work and the binges start to be less and less frequent... Weight-loss comes as a consequence.

And when weight-loss comes as a consequence it feels like a blessing.

If you have BED and it developed like mine (after losing weight because of a highly restrictive and long diet) when you actually notice you lost some weight, no matter how little and no matter slow, but without suffering, obsession, and without compromising your health. I promise you, you will feel how you are breaking free from the ED chains.

As I've said before it's not all rainbows and butterflies -I also like pointing out my struggles because you need to know that it's not all perfect, and that it is perfectly ok to feel down now and then-, and there are still some ED thoughts that have to be progressively attacked. I started my treatment being a bit overweight, and when I first noticed some weight-loss I noticed some thoughts like "whoa I'm starting to look like that again" and then that nasty voice popped out of that corner of my mind "I could start working out like before" but hey, those are the moments when I have to recognize my ED voice and stop it right there and be strong enough to carry on and follow this path I have been creating, this new path that is finally taking me to where I'll have a healthy relationship with myself, with food and exercise.

And nope, I'll never be perfect, I'll never look like a model and I'll probably never be skinny. I may never have a thigh gap but I really don't care. The only thing I'm looking for now is confidence and health.

I'm feeling happy most of the time :) and also tomorrow is my binge-free day number 50! yay!

Ok, so I really hope you liked this post. If you agree/disagree, or have any doubts regarding my treatment feel free to leave a comment (they are open).

Have a nice week everybody. You can do this, it's hard but not impossible.

Pol

Unexpected Effects of Recovery

Hello there :) 

I've noticed that on Instagram I tend to only show the positive side of my journey and while I'm not doing that on purpose (I just don't feel like sharing pictures when I'm not feeling OK) I don't want to give people a false image on what recovery is. Because, yes, recovery is great, but it's also hard and unexpected things happen to you while you're at it, and I want to be honest about it. Maybe you won't get pictures of me while I'm on my bad moments, but in this post I'm going to share with you some unexpected things that have happened to me during my treatment.

I don't understand how time passes. Somedays I feel like I started my treatment yesterday, on some other days I feel like I've been recovering for months. However, it's been 40 days. 40 days in recovery, 40 days without binge eating, 40 days taking medications, 40 days doing psychotherapy. When I look back, I can clearly see all the progress I've made. Of course there's up's and down's, and sometimes I can't help listening to my ED voice, whispering all those nasty words on the corner of my mind. Thankfully until now it has remained just as that, a voice. Annoying, potentially harmful, but just a voice. There's no bingeing, no purging, and no restricting. And that is a great improvement. So most of the time I'm doing well. 

But there is something strange that I never considered would happen to me when I decided I was starting the treatment. Since my binge eating worked pretty much like an addiction, I had moments that felt pretty "adrenalinic", sometimes I felt kinda high when I binged. While I don't miss it emotionally (or at least consciously) I do feel a little strange. At times I feel like I am waiting for something stressful to happen. I've realized it is because I was so used to the diet-binge cycle. When I had my "good" period, and then the "chaos" when I couldn't resist anymore and I ended up bingeing. 

It's like I have more space in my head for my emotions. Hidden thoughts and feelings that I used to suppress with my binges are resurfacing, so I find myself having some very emotional days which are not necessarily bad, I just feel more sensitive than I usually do. 

Now I'm adapting to this new way of living, where my worth is not tied to my weight and food isn't the main topic of my life. I'm slowly learning to use the energy I used to put into all my obsessions into other things, like my studies. Seeing how I'm slowly regaining my life is one of the best parts of recovery.

After accepting the fear of a possible binge eating relapse (I may write a post about it later) and starting to accept that I deserved getting better, and understanding that it was real! I started to have calm days. Those days feel peaceful, as if all the stress my eating disorder and my obsessions used to bring me are completely gone. I feel calm and empowered, like I am the one who rules my life now. 

Even when it's not all rainbows and butterflies, I am who chooses. Because I chose to get better.

So... Recovery has pushed me out of comfort zone many times, and at first I was eager and scared at the same time of all the challenges I had in front of me. There have been tough moments, and at times I've thought that I just can't do it. But then I've remembered that nothing else has worked before, and that the mistakes I've made before have only brought me pain in the end. And in only 40 days I've had so many little satisfactions, that I can already say that this is definitely the path for me. 

Thanks for taking the time for reading and visiting my blog! I hope you found this post useful somehow. If you have any questions don't hesitate to leave a comment :) As I usually say, this is my experience, but if I can help somehow I'll be glad to do so. Stay strong, you got this.

Pol