Guys, I'm basically learning to eat again, from scratch. Having four meals and a mid-morning snack. I'm eating more carbs than before - I was stuck in the binge-restrict cycle - , I'm enjoying my meals, I'm learning to listen to my body, to understand when I'm hungry and when I'm actually wanting to use food as a cope system. And I'm doing pretty well. :)
I've been at it for two weeks but I've already lost a little amount of weight (which is really not my main goal here but it does make a little happy, I'm not going to lie).
I haven't binged in more than ten days and that is a HUGE improvement in my life quality, considering that I used to binge about once or twice a week, just to keep obsessing over food and calories.
The fact that somebody made a personalized list of the foods I can eat makes me not worry about gaining weight anymore. And it's not a diet, so I don't have this constant feeling of restriction. Today I had two squares of dark chocolate for the first time, I was really scared that it would end up in a binge because since I started my treatment I haven't eaten chocolate. So I tried to rationalize the situation and finally realized that two squares of dark chocolate (that are actually allowed in my meal plan by my dietitian) were not going to make me binge. Finally I just took the chocolate portion and enjoyed it. And then I thought:
Recovery does taste sweet.
Because I felt so free enjoying my two squares of chocolate, and that guiltless chocolate squares tasted way better than dozens of guilt-loaded chocolate binges.
I also have to say, and this is really important, that I am taking two different pills that my psychiatrist gave me. Those are so my brain learns to regulate it's serotonin levels on it's own and stops depending on the binge eating to get them higher. I think this has been crucial. Because I tried SO MANY THINGS but I still always felt the urges. This time, I'm still feeling them... But they are so much weaker and manageable, I really can "snap out of them" distracting myself.
I'm also having a session with my psychologist once a week, and that, is tough. Because binge eating is a way of avoiding issues... Now that I'm not bingeing I feel like those issues (which are very personal and I prefer not sharing here) are returning, and I have to grow up, and deal with them like I haven't really done before. I have to learn to really love myself, I need to learn to be on my own.
If I learn to deal with my emotional issues and I stop using food as a cope mechanism at the same time, I will be able to break the vicious cycle, or so the theory says. So, I know I've just been ten days at it, I know it won't always be easy (in fact I'm very, very emotional right now), but I believe I will do it this time. Conclusion: this is my "I highly encourage you to seek treatment post". And guys, believe me, if I can do it, there's no way you can't.
Hugs,
Pol
PS: My comments are open in case you have questions regarding to binge eating or treatment options, I'm not a professional, but I'm willing to help in any way I can.
