Hi there! If you want to follow my journey please go to my new blog!
Pol
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Not Letting My Guard Down Again (An Experience)
Hi people! :)
Today, August the First is my binge-free day number 87! Which is a great achievement for me, but if I wasn't capable of facing the experience I'm going to tell you about in this post I wouldn't have reached that number. This happened to me about two weeks ago. It was a really hard and unexpected challenge that I had to face and I'm still surprised that I actually came victorious from it.
Today, August the First is my binge-free day number 87! Which is a great achievement for me, but if I wasn't capable of facing the experience I'm going to tell you about in this post I wouldn't have reached that number. This happened to me about two weeks ago. It was a really hard and unexpected challenge that I had to face and I'm still surprised that I actually came victorious from it.
I met with some friends and we decided we would order a pizza and some garlic sticks, I was very hungry, but it was alright. I had known during the whole day that I would eat more than usual with them and I was OK with that, and since I had faced those kind of situations before and hadn't binged I didn't feel anxious at all.
So, we received the pizza, we payed and we started choosing a movie to watch. While we were doing that my friends started eating the garlic sticks and I saw them and thought "Whoa, they look tasty! I'll have one", I felt no danger, I didn't worry at all, so I grabbed one and smelled it. And in the moment I tasted it. CLICK. My mind went blurry, and I even started feeling dizzy. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time that I had almost forgotten how strong it felt, but there I was. I felt like I was in the middle of binge, but I wasn't! I had just tried a garlic stick! I didn't understand anything, so I started freaking out. I immediately knew that if I didn't find a way to stop feeling like that, I would end up hardcore bingeing for real.
I tried to calm myself down and ate my garlic stick very slowly but even after that I still felt hungry so I had a slice of pizza. Then I was physically satisfied, but "I" wanted to keep eating. In the moment and because I was with my friends the best idea I could come up with was waiting for the urge to pass. So I waited, and waited, and waited. And it slowly started to fade away.
It was especially hard not to binge this time because I wasn't expecting this urge to hit me like this after being "urge-free" for so long. I had let my guards down, and also because I was hungry when the urge to binge appeared. So in the moment I stopped feeling hungry not bingeing was sheer willpower, thankfully I recognized the urge immediately, that feeling was so different to what I usually feel everyday now that it would have been impossible for me not to recognize it.
While I didn't technically binge in spite of how freakin' hard it was not to, I did feel like I did. My body felt like it did, or at least I felt like that in my head, the feeling was very real. So after that experience I feared that I had to start from 0. I feared that I had to be scared when going out, that I'd tremble when walking outside a bakery, or that an urge could hit me again on any moment.
But it wasn't like that at all. While I'm still a little nervous that it may happen again, it just hasn't and I feel pretty much like the recovery-me again. I'm back to normal. It was a weird and really scary experience, but that was it.
So... I gave a deep thought to it and after talking to my therapist we concluded that I had an emotional link to garlic sticks -which is true, even if it's funny, I would eat them hidden at nights when I was a child and that made me see them as a forbidden food-. I didn't notice but I was thinking in black and white with this specific food, then you add that I was hungry, plus the emotional baggage and well, and you got a shiny urge to binge.
My therapist recommended me to make a list of all the foods I still consider forbidden (in my case: garlic sticks, cinnamon rolls, frappuccinos, McFlurry's, and Churros) which will be very helpful in case I have to or want to face them in the near future, to be prepared.
My therapist recommended me to make a list of all the foods I still consider forbidden (in my case: garlic sticks, cinnamon rolls, frappuccinos, McFlurry's, and Churros) which will be very helpful in case I have to or want to face them in the near future, to be prepared.
I can learn from this that even when I'm doing very well in my recovery I still have to keep working hard at it every day. I can't let my guards off. That doesn't mean I have to be worried 24/7, but since I have a past of binge eating, it's just still too soon to stop worrying. Again, there's a balance I need to find.
And well there will be some days that I will have to use my willpower to decide to fight the urges -those who follow me on instagram probably know that I have my own technique to fight my urges but even that technique requires some amount of willpower at some point-, even if those days are the fewer. But here's the brighter side of this: If we keep ignoring these brain's signals, our brains will learn that they are useless and they will eventually just stop sending them. That's how we will eventually break free from these compulsive habits. It will work. But we need to stop hurting ourselves in every other aspect to achieve that (we can't focus on dieting and expect to stop bingeing).
Soooo. This post was (again) very experiential, but I hope you liked it :) Remember that you can always leave a comment, a question or send me a direct through instagram <3 Stay strong, you got this.
And well there will be some days that I will have to use my willpower to decide to fight the urges -those who follow me on instagram probably know that I have my own technique to fight my urges but even that technique requires some amount of willpower at some point-, even if those days are the fewer. But here's the brighter side of this: If we keep ignoring these brain's signals, our brains will learn that they are useless and they will eventually just stop sending them. That's how we will eventually break free from these compulsive habits. It will work. But we need to stop hurting ourselves in every other aspect to achieve that (we can't focus on dieting and expect to stop bingeing).
Soooo. This post was (again) very experiential, but I hope you liked it :) Remember that you can always leave a comment, a question or send me a direct through instagram <3 Stay strong, you got this.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
What I Have Learned (Recovery Freedoms)
Hi people! It's been a while since I last posted. For some reason I just couldn't get inspired enough to finish all the posts I was working on so I decided to do a different one.
In my posts I tend to stay pretty far from my personal life, I'm usually a pretty private person on my instagram and blog. But this time I'm going to cross that line because this post is going to be basically about how my life has improved since I started my treatment. This is going to be a collection of what I have learned during my recovery from BED, and a comparison between my life before and after it. Even though I cannot say that I'm fully recovered yet, this experience has given so much freedom -and has been very challenging at the same time-.
And well, without any further explanation I'm just going to start saying that during my recovery I...
♡Have been able to learn to enjoy cheat meals: For example, I was able to go to Dunkin' Donuts with my boyfriend without bingeing. Every time I went before my treatment I would a) not eat anything or b) binge. But this time I was able to enjoy myself without obsessing about the food.
♡Have started to eat in social situations without focusing on the food but on the people I'm talking to. Actually being present. I don't know if you can relate to me, maybe you can. But this used to be terrible for me. I used to be stressed when in company because I just couldn't stop thinking about dieting or bingeing even if I didn't want to think about it, so I didn't feel 100% present, but now I do. This has given me the freedom of being able to go anywhere I want and to any event I want to go without worrying about what I'll be eating or not.
♡Celebrated my birthday (two times!): I celebrated it with my family and the next day with my former school mates, and I had lots of fun. I had the freedom of enjoying the company of the people I love instead of being focusing bingeing or not bingeing all the time. Now, the week of my birthday was stressful because I ate extra junk food... but I managed to get back on track the next week. And I didn't binge :)
♡Have been scared, many times: During the first week of my recovery I took a huge leap of faith (metaphorically speaking, of course) that was starting to follow a non-restrictive meal plan. This meant putting an end to my diets, to my "I binged yesterday so today I'll skip dinner" sort of behavior. I had little control, I could only choose between my options for each meal and there was no calorie-counting involved. My first week was really scary, really. I was surprised at the amounts of food I had to eat at every meal, I was scared that I could gain weight but I still followed it. After a few days I noticed that I had fewer and fewer urges to binge. And now, that more time has passed, after 70+ days without bingeing I can say that this leap of faith was a great decision, if not one of the most important ones in my recovery.
Because after all that initial fear of gaining weight because of bigger portions... I stopped restricting, bingeing even managed to lose weight as a consequence of that without it being the center of my life and without harming my body on the process.
♡Have learned "normal" eating behaviors: Deciding what to eat pretty quickly. Since I follow a very flexible and non-restrictive meal plan, choosing what I'm going to eat is very easy now. I pick what I want and eat until I'm satisfied. I'm slowly reconnecting to my body.
♡Regained the ability to focus! I was having issues with my concentration because all my energy was being wasted in my eating disorder, but I can use that energy in my real interests now.
♡Am learning to deal with my perfectionism: I am a perfectionist, which can be helpful but dangerous too if you let it rule your life. So I'm learning to deal with it, I'm starting to "be friends" with it and my anxiety levels are very well regulated.
♡I have (finally) started to enjoy exercise as a part of a healthy lifestyle and not as a tool for weight-loss or punishment: I really used to hate sports, they were only a calorie-burning system for me. But now I get to enjoy my 30-minutes on the treadmill with some nice music, it makes me feel good and it's good for my health.
❤︎ My recovery has been AMAZING for me. I have learned a lot from it, my life has improved in so many ways that I'm still surprised by it. When I look back I can see how tangled I was with my eating disorder and how much it was ruling my life. I was aware of it but now that I can see it with some distance I have better perspective. Now I know how much I was missing. But I also know there was always hope and at least in my case seeking treatment was the best option. The following points are the most meaningful for me in this post.❤︎
❤︎ My recovery made me step out of my comfort zone (of dieting/bingeing): Cliché? yes. But it's true. I needed to do it. But I wasn't really able to until I asked for professional help and I finally arrived to the conclusion that my self-worth can never be tied to my weight. In the end, leaving my old, unhealthy and repetitive comfort zone gave me a new, much better and healthier one which is balance :).
❤︎ Asking for help didn't make me a loser: I am a proud person, and sometimes I can be stubborn, so asking for help wasn't an easy decision for me, it took me about a year. I really thought I could recover on my own and I tried many methods, I read books, investigated about the subject, meditated, tried different approaches, but in the end I figured out that I couldn't do it alone. I wanted to recover with all my heart, but I didn't know how or where to start, it was just too much for me, and looking back, that's ok. When I finally figured it out, I broke the silence. And it did take a lot from me to say those words. It was hard telling my mother that I wasn't well, that I needed help desperately, but by then I knew that to get my life back I had no other choice. And now that I think about it I don't feel like I am loser for asking for help, I feel that doing it was very brave. I was scared, depressed, and disoriented but I still wanted to fight to get better. I chose to recover. I chose to get my life back, and I don't regret it for a single second. It hasn't been easy but has been completely worth it.
Ok people! I really hope you liked this post. I wrote it so you can see how much recovery can change a person's life, it definitely has changed mine. If you have any questions you can always leave a comment here or send me a direct on my instagram, also if you want me to write about a specific topic related to binge eating disorder please let me know. Stay strong everybody, you can do this!
In my posts I tend to stay pretty far from my personal life, I'm usually a pretty private person on my instagram and blog. But this time I'm going to cross that line because this post is going to be basically about how my life has improved since I started my treatment. This is going to be a collection of what I have learned during my recovery from BED, and a comparison between my life before and after it. Even though I cannot say that I'm fully recovered yet, this experience has given so much freedom -and has been very challenging at the same time-.
And well, without any further explanation I'm just going to start saying that during my recovery I...
♡Have been able to learn to enjoy cheat meals: For example, I was able to go to Dunkin' Donuts with my boyfriend without bingeing. Every time I went before my treatment I would a) not eat anything or b) binge. But this time I was able to enjoy myself without obsessing about the food.
♡Have started to eat in social situations without focusing on the food but on the people I'm talking to. Actually being present. I don't know if you can relate to me, maybe you can. But this used to be terrible for me. I used to be stressed when in company because I just couldn't stop thinking about dieting or bingeing even if I didn't want to think about it, so I didn't feel 100% present, but now I do. This has given me the freedom of being able to go anywhere I want and to any event I want to go without worrying about what I'll be eating or not.
♡Have been scared, many times: During the first week of my recovery I took a huge leap of faith (metaphorically speaking, of course) that was starting to follow a non-restrictive meal plan. This meant putting an end to my diets, to my "I binged yesterday so today I'll skip dinner" sort of behavior. I had little control, I could only choose between my options for each meal and there was no calorie-counting involved. My first week was really scary, really. I was surprised at the amounts of food I had to eat at every meal, I was scared that I could gain weight but I still followed it. After a few days I noticed that I had fewer and fewer urges to binge. And now, that more time has passed, after 70+ days without bingeing I can say that this leap of faith was a great decision, if not one of the most important ones in my recovery.
Because after all that initial fear of gaining weight because of bigger portions... I stopped restricting, bingeing even managed to lose weight as a consequence of that without it being the center of my life and without harming my body on the process.
♡Have learned "normal" eating behaviors: Deciding what to eat pretty quickly. Since I follow a very flexible and non-restrictive meal plan, choosing what I'm going to eat is very easy now. I pick what I want and eat until I'm satisfied. I'm slowly reconnecting to my body.
♡Regained the ability to focus! I was having issues with my concentration because all my energy was being wasted in my eating disorder, but I can use that energy in my real interests now.
♡Am learning to deal with my perfectionism: I am a perfectionist, which can be helpful but dangerous too if you let it rule your life. So I'm learning to deal with it, I'm starting to "be friends" with it and my anxiety levels are very well regulated.
♡I have (finally) started to enjoy exercise as a part of a healthy lifestyle and not as a tool for weight-loss or punishment: I really used to hate sports, they were only a calorie-burning system for me. But now I get to enjoy my 30-minutes on the treadmill with some nice music, it makes me feel good and it's good for my health.
❤︎ My recovery has been AMAZING for me. I have learned a lot from it, my life has improved in so many ways that I'm still surprised by it. When I look back I can see how tangled I was with my eating disorder and how much it was ruling my life. I was aware of it but now that I can see it with some distance I have better perspective. Now I know how much I was missing. But I also know there was always hope and at least in my case seeking treatment was the best option. The following points are the most meaningful for me in this post.❤︎
❤︎ My recovery made me step out of my comfort zone (of dieting/bingeing): Cliché? yes. But it's true. I needed to do it. But I wasn't really able to until I asked for professional help and I finally arrived to the conclusion that my self-worth can never be tied to my weight. In the end, leaving my old, unhealthy and repetitive comfort zone gave me a new, much better and healthier one which is balance :).
❤︎ Asking for help didn't make me a loser: I am a proud person, and sometimes I can be stubborn, so asking for help wasn't an easy decision for me, it took me about a year. I really thought I could recover on my own and I tried many methods, I read books, investigated about the subject, meditated, tried different approaches, but in the end I figured out that I couldn't do it alone. I wanted to recover with all my heart, but I didn't know how or where to start, it was just too much for me, and looking back, that's ok. When I finally figured it out, I broke the silence. And it did take a lot from me to say those words. It was hard telling my mother that I wasn't well, that I needed help desperately, but by then I knew that to get my life back I had no other choice. And now that I think about it I don't feel like I am loser for asking for help, I feel that doing it was very brave. I was scared, depressed, and disoriented but I still wanted to fight to get better. I chose to recover. I chose to get my life back, and I don't regret it for a single second. It hasn't been easy but has been completely worth it.
---
Ok people! I really hope you liked this post. I wrote it so you can see how much recovery can change a person's life, it definitely has changed mine. If you have any questions you can always leave a comment here or send me a direct on my instagram, also if you want me to write about a specific topic related to binge eating disorder please let me know. Stay strong everybody, you can do this!
Pol ❤︎
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Stop Thinking About Losing Weight!
Hello there :) I have been thinking about the importance of a post like this for a while and I finally decided I would write it. This has been very important in my recovery from binge eating disorder. And as I usually say: I am not a professional. My ultimate advice is always to seek professional help. I take the time to write these posts because this is what has worked for me, and my life has drastically changed since I started doing these things, so if I can help a little, that's great. But if you have an eating disorder, and if you can, please, please, please, seek treatment.
An eating disorder is an illness. The causes can be biological, genetic, social or a combination of them. An eating disorder can coexist with other pathologies like depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, etc. Eating disorders can be very different from one another and sometimes people may think that they have nothing to do with each other. Some are completely restrictive and others are all about excesses, but then again, if we pay attention to them, what they cause is a disturbance in the normal eating habits of a person.
An eating disorder won't let you eat normally and guiltlessly. And because eating is something you do about 5 times a day, every day, an eating disorder won't let you live normally.
Even if they are all eating disorders, and they all cause a huge over estimation of the importance that weight and food have in life, the treatment for each eating disorder is different, and of course each recovery is different too. There's is no such thing as one right way to recover (and there's also no point in comparing your recovery to another person's recovery).
One of the things I have learned so far, is that when you really want to get better you have to give up some things. You need step out of your comfort zone. You've probably read this before, but this is the point of the post: You need to stop thinking about losing weight.
Ask somebody to keep the scale for you, or put it somewhere else if you can't help weighing youself everyday, stop doing bodychecks. Stop judging your body. It's hard at first but really need to stop all those punitive weight-related behaviors as soon as possible because they are not helpful with your recovery.
Now, this is from my experience: when I first committed to my recovery I gave up the idea of losing weight and I had my reasons. But, I have lost about 6 lbs since I started my treatment. I know I sound like an idiot when I say this but please keep reading, because I will explain...
I know that those who have binge eating disorder commonly are expecting to lose weight. And I completely understand, I really do because I had that mindset before, but it's no use. It's not going to help you to recover from something so complex like an eating disorder.
Because those things, they are incompatible. It's like rowing in two opposite directions. It doesn't make any sense and this is the reason: when you're focusing on the weight loss only -the result- you are tying your self-worth to your weight. And that is exactly what recovery isn't about! When you start making progress with your self-esteem, and you start loving yourself as you are, and the treatment starts to work and the binges start to be less and less frequent... Weight-loss comes as a consequence.
And when weight-loss comes as a consequence it feels like a blessing.
If you have BED and it developed like mine (after losing weight because of a highly restrictive and long diet) when you actually notice you lost some weight, no matter how little and no matter slow, but without suffering, obsession, and without compromising your health. I promise you, you will feel how you are breaking free from the ED chains.
As I've said before it's not all rainbows and butterflies -I also like pointing out my struggles because you need to know that it's not all perfect, and that it is perfectly ok to feel down now and then-, and there are still some ED thoughts that have to be progressively attacked. I started my treatment being a bit overweight, and when I first noticed some weight-loss I noticed some thoughts like "whoa I'm starting to look like that again" and then that nasty voice popped out of that corner of my mind "I could start working out like before" but hey, those are the moments when I have to recognize my ED voice and stop it right there and be strong enough to carry on and follow this path I have been creating, this new path that is finally taking me to where I'll have a healthy relationship with myself, with food and exercise.
And nope, I'll never be perfect, I'll never look like a model and I'll probably never be skinny. I may never have a thigh gap but I really don't care. The only thing I'm looking for now is confidence and health.
I'm feeling happy most of the time :) and also tomorrow is my binge-free day number 50! yay!
Ok, so I really hope you liked this post. If you agree/disagree, or have any doubts regarding my treatment feel free to leave a comment (they are open).
Have a nice week everybody. You can do this, it's hard but not impossible.
An eating disorder is an illness. The causes can be biological, genetic, social or a combination of them. An eating disorder can coexist with other pathologies like depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, etc. Eating disorders can be very different from one another and sometimes people may think that they have nothing to do with each other. Some are completely restrictive and others are all about excesses, but then again, if we pay attention to them, what they cause is a disturbance in the normal eating habits of a person.
An eating disorder won't let you eat normally and guiltlessly. And because eating is something you do about 5 times a day, every day, an eating disorder won't let you live normally.
Even if they are all eating disorders, and they all cause a huge over estimation of the importance that weight and food have in life, the treatment for each eating disorder is different, and of course each recovery is different too. There's is no such thing as one right way to recover (and there's also no point in comparing your recovery to another person's recovery).
One of the things I have learned so far, is that when you really want to get better you have to give up some things. You need step out of your comfort zone. You've probably read this before, but this is the point of the post: You need to stop thinking about losing weight.
Ask somebody to keep the scale for you, or put it somewhere else if you can't help weighing youself everyday, stop doing bodychecks. Stop judging your body. It's hard at first but really need to stop all those punitive weight-related behaviors as soon as possible because they are not helpful with your recovery.
Now, this is from my experience: when I first committed to my recovery I gave up the idea of losing weight and I had my reasons. But, I have lost about 6 lbs since I started my treatment. I know I sound like an idiot when I say this but please keep reading, because I will explain...
You can't recover from an eating disorder and attempt to lose weight at the same time.
I know that those who have binge eating disorder commonly are expecting to lose weight. And I completely understand, I really do because I had that mindset before, but it's no use. It's not going to help you to recover from something so complex like an eating disorder.
Because those things, they are incompatible. It's like rowing in two opposite directions. It doesn't make any sense and this is the reason: when you're focusing on the weight loss only -the result- you are tying your self-worth to your weight. And that is exactly what recovery isn't about! When you start making progress with your self-esteem, and you start loving yourself as you are, and the treatment starts to work and the binges start to be less and less frequent... Weight-loss comes as a consequence.
And when weight-loss comes as a consequence it feels like a blessing.
If you have BED and it developed like mine (after losing weight because of a highly restrictive and long diet) when you actually notice you lost some weight, no matter how little and no matter slow, but without suffering, obsession, and without compromising your health. I promise you, you will feel how you are breaking free from the ED chains.
As I've said before it's not all rainbows and butterflies -I also like pointing out my struggles because you need to know that it's not all perfect, and that it is perfectly ok to feel down now and then-, and there are still some ED thoughts that have to be progressively attacked. I started my treatment being a bit overweight, and when I first noticed some weight-loss I noticed some thoughts like "whoa I'm starting to look like that again" and then that nasty voice popped out of that corner of my mind "I could start working out like before" but hey, those are the moments when I have to recognize my ED voice and stop it right there and be strong enough to carry on and follow this path I have been creating, this new path that is finally taking me to where I'll have a healthy relationship with myself, with food and exercise.
And nope, I'll never be perfect, I'll never look like a model and I'll probably never be skinny. I may never have a thigh gap but I really don't care. The only thing I'm looking for now is confidence and health.
I'm feeling happy most of the time :) and also tomorrow is my binge-free day number 50! yay!
Ok, so I really hope you liked this post. If you agree/disagree, or have any doubts regarding my treatment feel free to leave a comment (they are open).
Have a nice week everybody. You can do this, it's hard but not impossible.
Pol
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Unexpected Effects of Recovery
Hello there :)
I've noticed that on Instagram I tend to only show the positive side of my journey and while I'm not doing that on purpose (I just don't feel like sharing pictures when I'm not feeling OK) I don't want to give people a false image on what recovery is. Because, yes, recovery is great, but it's also hard and unexpected things happen to you while you're at it, and I want to be honest about it. Maybe you won't get pictures of me while I'm on my bad moments, but in this post I'm going to share with you some unexpected things that have happened to me during my treatment.
I don't understand how time passes. Somedays I feel like I started my treatment yesterday, on some other days I feel like I've been recovering for months. However, it's been 40 days. 40 days in recovery, 40 days without binge eating, 40 days taking medications, 40 days doing psychotherapy. When I look back, I can clearly see all the progress I've made. Of course there's up's and down's, and sometimes I can't help listening to my ED voice, whispering all those nasty words on the corner of my mind. Thankfully until now it has remained just as that, a voice. Annoying, potentially harmful, but just a voice. There's no bingeing, no purging, and no restricting. And that is a great improvement. So most of the time I'm doing well.
But there is something strange that I never considered would happen to me when I decided I was starting the treatment. Since my binge eating worked pretty much like an addiction, I had moments that felt pretty "adrenalinic", sometimes I felt kinda high when I binged. While I don't miss it emotionally (or at least consciously) I do feel a little strange. At times I feel like I am waiting for something stressful to happen. I've realized it is because I was so used to the diet-binge cycle. When I had my "good" period, and then the "chaos" when I couldn't resist anymore and I ended up bingeing.
It's like I have more space in my head for my emotions. Hidden thoughts and feelings that I used to suppress with my binges are resurfacing, so I find myself having some very emotional days which are not necessarily bad, I just feel more sensitive than I usually do.
Now I'm adapting to this new way of living, where my worth is not tied to my weight and food isn't the main topic of my life. I'm slowly learning to use the energy I used to put into all my obsessions into other things, like my studies. Seeing how I'm slowly regaining my life is one of the best parts of recovery.
After accepting the fear of a possible binge eating relapse (I may write a post about it later) and starting to accept that I deserved getting better, and understanding that it was real! I started to have calm days. Those days feel peaceful, as if all the stress my eating disorder and my obsessions used to bring me are completely gone. I feel calm and empowered, like I am the one who rules my life now.
Even when it's not all rainbows and butterflies, I am who chooses. Because I chose to get better.
So... Recovery has pushed me out of comfort zone many times, and at first I was eager and scared at the same time of all the challenges I had in front of me. There have been tough moments, and at times I've thought that I just can't do it. But then I've remembered that nothing else has worked before, and that the mistakes I've made before have only brought me pain in the end. And in only 40 days I've had so many little satisfactions, that I can already say that this is definitely the path for me.
Thanks for taking the time for reading and visiting my blog! I hope you found this post useful somehow. If you have any questions don't hesitate to leave a comment :) As I usually say, this is my experience, but if I can help somehow I'll be glad to do so. Stay strong, you got this.
Pol
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Recovery does taste sweet
I'm writing this post today with just one objective in mind: I want to say how good treatment has been to me so far.
Guys, I'm basically learning to eat again, from scratch. Having four meals and a mid-morning snack. I'm eating more carbs than before - I was stuck in the binge-restrict cycle - , I'm enjoying my meals, I'm learning to listen to my body, to understand when I'm hungry and when I'm actually wanting to use food as a cope system. And I'm doing pretty well. :)
I've been at it for two weeks but I've already lost a little amount of weight (which is really not my main goal here but it does make a little happy, I'm not going to lie).
I haven't binged in more than ten days and that is a HUGE improvement in my life quality, considering that I used to binge about once or twice a week, just to keep obsessing over food and calories.
The fact that somebody made a personalized list of the foods I can eat makes me not worry about gaining weight anymore. And it's not a diet, so I don't have this constant feeling of restriction. Today I had two squares of dark chocolate for the first time, I was really scared that it would end up in a binge because since I started my treatment I haven't eaten chocolate. So I tried to rationalize the situation and finally realized that two squares of dark chocolate (that are actually allowed in my meal plan by my dietitian) were not going to make me binge. Finally I just took the chocolate portion and enjoyed it. And then I thought:
Because I felt so free enjoying my two squares of chocolate, and that guiltless chocolate squares tasted way better than dozens of guilt-loaded chocolate binges.
I also have to say, and this is really important, that I am taking two different pills that my psychiatrist gave me. Those are so my brain learns to regulate it's serotonin levels on it's own and stops depending on the binge eating to get them higher. I think this has been crucial. Because I tried SO MANY THINGS but I still always felt the urges. This time, I'm still feeling them... But they are so much weaker and manageable, I really can "snap out of them" distracting myself.
I'm also having a session with my psychologist once a week, and that, is tough. Because binge eating is a way of avoiding issues... Now that I'm not bingeing I feel like those issues (which are very personal and I prefer not sharing here) are returning, and I have to grow up, and deal with them like I haven't really done before. I have to learn to really love myself, I need to learn to be on my own.
If I learn to deal with my emotional issues and I stop using food as a cope mechanism at the same time, I will be able to break the vicious cycle, or so the theory says. So, I know I've just been ten days at it, I know it won't always be easy (in fact I'm very, very emotional right now), but I believe I will do it this time. Conclusion: this is my "I highly encourage you to seek treatment post". And guys, believe me, if I can do it, there's no way you can't.
Guys, I'm basically learning to eat again, from scratch. Having four meals and a mid-morning snack. I'm eating more carbs than before - I was stuck in the binge-restrict cycle - , I'm enjoying my meals, I'm learning to listen to my body, to understand when I'm hungry and when I'm actually wanting to use food as a cope system. And I'm doing pretty well. :)
I've been at it for two weeks but I've already lost a little amount of weight (which is really not my main goal here but it does make a little happy, I'm not going to lie).
I haven't binged in more than ten days and that is a HUGE improvement in my life quality, considering that I used to binge about once or twice a week, just to keep obsessing over food and calories.
The fact that somebody made a personalized list of the foods I can eat makes me not worry about gaining weight anymore. And it's not a diet, so I don't have this constant feeling of restriction. Today I had two squares of dark chocolate for the first time, I was really scared that it would end up in a binge because since I started my treatment I haven't eaten chocolate. So I tried to rationalize the situation and finally realized that two squares of dark chocolate (that are actually allowed in my meal plan by my dietitian) were not going to make me binge. Finally I just took the chocolate portion and enjoyed it. And then I thought:
Recovery does taste sweet.
Because I felt so free enjoying my two squares of chocolate, and that guiltless chocolate squares tasted way better than dozens of guilt-loaded chocolate binges.
I also have to say, and this is really important, that I am taking two different pills that my psychiatrist gave me. Those are so my brain learns to regulate it's serotonin levels on it's own and stops depending on the binge eating to get them higher. I think this has been crucial. Because I tried SO MANY THINGS but I still always felt the urges. This time, I'm still feeling them... But they are so much weaker and manageable, I really can "snap out of them" distracting myself.
I'm also having a session with my psychologist once a week, and that, is tough. Because binge eating is a way of avoiding issues... Now that I'm not bingeing I feel like those issues (which are very personal and I prefer not sharing here) are returning, and I have to grow up, and deal with them like I haven't really done before. I have to learn to really love myself, I need to learn to be on my own.
If I learn to deal with my emotional issues and I stop using food as a cope mechanism at the same time, I will be able to break the vicious cycle, or so the theory says. So, I know I've just been ten days at it, I know it won't always be easy (in fact I'm very, very emotional right now), but I believe I will do it this time. Conclusion: this is my "I highly encourage you to seek treatment post". And guys, believe me, if I can do it, there's no way you can't.
Hugs,
Pol
PS: My comments are open in case you have questions regarding to binge eating or treatment options, I'm not a professional, but I'm willing to help in any way I can.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Treatment
My history with disordered eating is long, but I feel it is finally coming to an end.
I always ate more than I should have, it was probably a family thing, but however it wasn't normal. I dieted several times but failed at it. I found the pro-ana world when I was fourteen and dieted/over-eated for some years, I lost and gained weight but it wasn't that considerable until I became very restrictive two years ago. Long story short: I lost weight being very obsessive about it. I traveled abroad, which is a stress situation and fell into the binge-restrict cycle. So I gained most of the weight back... and the nice need of bingeing at least once a week. After months of trying to recover on my own I finally decided I would seek help, because the urges just wouldn't stop, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.
So, I've been officially diagnosed with binge eating disorder and I am officially recovering from it.
I always ate more than I should have, it was probably a family thing, but however it wasn't normal. I dieted several times but failed at it. I found the pro-ana world when I was fourteen and dieted/over-eated for some years, I lost and gained weight but it wasn't that considerable until I became very restrictive two years ago. Long story short: I lost weight being very obsessive about it. I traveled abroad, which is a stress situation and fell into the binge-restrict cycle. So I gained most of the weight back... and the nice need of bingeing at least once a week. After months of trying to recover on my own I finally decided I would seek help, because the urges just wouldn't stop, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.
So, I've been officially diagnosed with binge eating disorder and I am officially recovering from it.
My treatment consists of an interdisciplinary approach: I have an RD, a psychiatrist and a psychologist helping me. I'm taking antidepressants and another drug. Both help me suppress the urges to binge and the carb craving, right now my body is adapting to them, so we're in the process of finding out which are the necessary amounts of each. I'm having psychotherapy once a week and following a healthy unrestrictive eating plan. (Right now I'm enjoying some bread with cheese :D)
I know I haven't posted in months, and I know it is a short, half-assed-post (shame on me), but it is on my plans to be updating this blog more often now that I have my recovery to talk about!
So...
I'll slowly hit the 'publish' button...
I know I haven't posted in months, and I know it is a short, half-assed-post (shame on me), but it is on my plans to be updating this blog more often now that I have my recovery to talk about!
So...
I'll slowly hit the 'publish' button...
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Did you binge today? - My thoughts on binge eating
Hey there.
Did you binge today? Don't worry, it's fine...
Not really, it probably sucks right now, but hey! It will be fine.
You probably feel bad mentally and physically. You probably feel bloated, sluggish and energy-less. You're probably feeling guilty right now, awfully guilty. I feel you and completely understand you. You might be feeling lonely and worthless and maybe you don't have a person to talk to about this because your loved ones won't understand... It's ok. We've been there. So, a huge, huge, hug to you because I know in this moment you probably need it.
Your binge may have started like this:
- You stayed strong all day, you passed on all the foods you love. You restricted and felt deprived but still somehow managed to 'stay on track' during the whole day. But then the night came and your strength faded away. You lost it. In that moment you knew you were going to binge, you felt like there was no other possible choice. So you ate and felt so liberated... until you finished bingeing.
- It was a normal day, everything was fine. You arrived at your office and someone offered you a donut. You lost it. You started freaking out, you heart started racing. You tried to convince yourself saying 'I'll just have one donut'. But with the first bite of it you knew what was going to happen. You ate it so fast that you didn't even enjoy it. So you just went for more, and more, and more.
- You woke up feeling anxious. You had no intentions of restricting or dieting today. You were just going to take it easy, but you couldn't stop thinking about food; Deep inside you were planning your next binge. You couldn't decide how to start. Wether having three bowls of that sweet, sugary cereal or a grilled cheese sandwich. Once you had your extra big breakfast, you knew you had lost it. You knew you were going to binge all day long and maybe even the next day.
Overeating comes in different forms, but one of the most terrifying is bingeing because you feel disconnected from the world, you feel numb and sometimes dizzy. You probably feel weirdly happy or even high. And while you're eating you choose not to stop, you don't want to anymore, even knowing how you're going to feel afterwards.
But did you really have a choice? Hell, once you started, probably not.
Actually, bingeing is - as you have probably read all around the internet - a way of coping with your problems. Everybody uses different activities to get away from their problems. But when your 'coping method' causes more problems than it solves, then we have a problem. The urges to binge are strong. And most of the time, impossible to beat. But that does not mean there is no hope to stop bingeing. Because there is a way, I promise. It may not be quick or easy but it is doable... And if you decide to give it a try you're going to live so much better! :)
It is really important being conscious that there's no person to blame for bingeing, or at least, it's no use doing it. There might be things or people to blame but that point of view will take you nowhere. You need not to blame yourself or anybody. How hard would you be with somebody struggling with an eating disorder? - Yes, Binge Eating is recognized as an actual eating disorder - So, don't be so hard at yourself. You should start trying to understand the mechanics that lay under the overeating episodes. There's a lot more you can understand about your behaviors before blaming yourself for the food you're eating. When blaming someone or something is the focus of your thoughts you're dwelling on the past. You need to focus on all the things you can achieve, and not on those bringing you down. Making that simple - yet, not easy - change of mindset can make a really big difference on motivation.
I myself am a binge eater. Or was. I'm not sure yet. But I can guarantee you guys that since I started changing certain thoughts and habits my life has been a lot better. And my life doesn't revolve around food anymore. So here I'm going to explain in details the changes that have helped me improve my quality of life and above all my wellbeing:
** Please note that I am no professional. The tips that I'm writing here are those that have helped me during my journey of overcoming my food obsession. Since they are based on my experience they may not help you as much as they helped me - but I really hope they do! It's always good to see things from different points of view. **
In my opinion there are two main points that need to be attacked when you decide you don't want to binge anymore:
a. The food obsessing: This includes normalizing food, being able to eat according to what your body needs, and learning to ignore the negative thoughts or beliefs that lead to bingeing. Most of the times is all inside your head. You think something like 'oh, I could binge' then you feel like it's going to be good (and terrible at the same time) and in no time your hand is flying towards a cookie. Changing this way of thinking is the hardest part mostly because we have these really strong beliefs installed in our brains that tell us negative affirmations about ourselves. 'I will never stop bingeing', 'I will fall back into it in a week', 'I was born to be fat'. Overeating and binge eating work as a response to those negative thoughts. They are a way to stop thinking about your problems even if you're not conscious of it. If you managed to get rid of those thoughts, would it be easier to slowly stop bingeing? Probably, but then there's our next point;
b. The unhealthy habits: This includes not having regular meals (three meals and two snacks, for example), sleeping just a few hours, not exercising, being un-tidy, etc. Believe me, when you're organized in your daily life binge eating slowly stops becoming an option. Having schedules, proper meal times and being active lowers anxiety levels, therefore, many of the urges to binge. Organizing your daily life is a great way of preventing binge eating. If you make room in your life for healthy habits, you will be kicking out the overeating ones, slowly but probably permanently.
My concrete, practical tips are the following:
- Slow down, make a plan: Are you ready to start a life without binge eating? Visualize yourself without this disorder. Visualize how your life would be, you freer you'd feel. All the plans you could make. Imagine yourself as a powerful person who conquered an eating disorder. It's not easy to achieve so don't expect it to happen overnight. You will need to put everything you can on it. Maybe you won't be healthy by tomorrow morning but you will probably be very different in a few months. Stopping to binge eat can't happen in a minute but I tell you what can: deciding to make a change.
- Set times: Start going to bed earlier and also get up earlier, have enough hours of sleep, it is proved that it helps boosting the metabolism. Then have a healthy breakfast, a mid-morning snack if you need it, lunch, an afternoon snack and dinner. Have your meals on the clock. Never stay hungry for too long because it could lead you to a binge.
- Focus on the possibilities: Keep your ming on what you can do. Chances are you can't run a marathon, but maybe you can walk twenty more minutes a day. Maybe you can't cut all sugar from your diet, but you can stop having soda. It's the same with food, it's always good to stick to healthy eating, but that definitely doesn't mean you can't enjoy what you eat
- Exercise regularly: You don't need to become a professional, you can start just by walking some minutes a day, or you can take classes. The point here is that being active always helps lowering stress levels. In my case, this made a HUGE difference in my life and I swear I used to hate sports. You can always try to stay extra inspired by having someone joining you.
- Stay busy: Having too much time on your hands can be one of the most powerful triggers to a binge. You have time>you feel bored>you start feeling at unease>you cover that with bingeing.
- Manage anxiety: With exercise being one of the best options it's also important that you have hobbies that you truly enjoy. This will also help you becoming a more positive person.
But the three most important concrete tips, in my opinion are the next two:
1. Learn to recognize your triggers: You probably know exactly how an urge to binge feels. Try analyze why you're feeling them. Writing about it is very helpful. Describing when, where, who you were with, if it was a bad day, if you were nervous, if you knew you'd have a family plan later. It all matters. When you recognize the triggers you can actually start to deal with them.
2. See a therapist: Yes, you can try overcoming binge eating on your own and make great progress. But therapists have strategies to tackle all aspects of BED. They will see your problems from another perspective and guide you through recovery. You can learn a lot reading books and on the internet. But don't forget that a therapist studied for years to help people like us. Internet can't give us that real, face-to-face interaction.
3. Don't be hard on yourself: I know I said it before but I just can't say it too many times. Binge eating is an eating disorder. It's not easy to break free from it. So don't be hard on yourself. Yeah, I know saying it is much easier than actually doing it but you have to try. You have to try hard not to be hard on yourself (lol). Be kind to your body. We can make mistakes, let's just not dwell on them. Go for a walk, take a relaxing bath, listen to music. It will be fine.
I really hope this post helps somebody out there, even if it's just one person :) Eating disorders suck. But we are stronger than them. We can do this.
Did you binge today? Don't worry, it's fine...
Not really, it probably sucks right now, but hey! It will be fine.
You probably feel bad mentally and physically. You probably feel bloated, sluggish and energy-less. You're probably feeling guilty right now, awfully guilty. I feel you and completely understand you. You might be feeling lonely and worthless and maybe you don't have a person to talk to about this because your loved ones won't understand... It's ok. We've been there. So, a huge, huge, hug to you because I know in this moment you probably need it.
Your binge may have started like this:
- You stayed strong all day, you passed on all the foods you love. You restricted and felt deprived but still somehow managed to 'stay on track' during the whole day. But then the night came and your strength faded away. You lost it. In that moment you knew you were going to binge, you felt like there was no other possible choice. So you ate and felt so liberated... until you finished bingeing.
- It was a normal day, everything was fine. You arrived at your office and someone offered you a donut. You lost it. You started freaking out, you heart started racing. You tried to convince yourself saying 'I'll just have one donut'. But with the first bite of it you knew what was going to happen. You ate it so fast that you didn't even enjoy it. So you just went for more, and more, and more.
- You woke up feeling anxious. You had no intentions of restricting or dieting today. You were just going to take it easy, but you couldn't stop thinking about food; Deep inside you were planning your next binge. You couldn't decide how to start. Wether having three bowls of that sweet, sugary cereal or a grilled cheese sandwich. Once you had your extra big breakfast, you knew you had lost it. You knew you were going to binge all day long and maybe even the next day.
Overeating comes in different forms, but one of the most terrifying is bingeing because you feel disconnected from the world, you feel numb and sometimes dizzy. You probably feel weirdly happy or even high. And while you're eating you choose not to stop, you don't want to anymore, even knowing how you're going to feel afterwards.
But did you really have a choice? Hell, once you started, probably not.
Actually, bingeing is - as you have probably read all around the internet - a way of coping with your problems. Everybody uses different activities to get away from their problems. But when your 'coping method' causes more problems than it solves, then we have a problem. The urges to binge are strong. And most of the time, impossible to beat. But that does not mean there is no hope to stop bingeing. Because there is a way, I promise. It may not be quick or easy but it is doable... And if you decide to give it a try you're going to live so much better! :)
It is really important being conscious that there's no person to blame for bingeing, or at least, it's no use doing it. There might be things or people to blame but that point of view will take you nowhere. You need not to blame yourself or anybody. How hard would you be with somebody struggling with an eating disorder? - Yes, Binge Eating is recognized as an actual eating disorder - So, don't be so hard at yourself. You should start trying to understand the mechanics that lay under the overeating episodes. There's a lot more you can understand about your behaviors before blaming yourself for the food you're eating. When blaming someone or something is the focus of your thoughts you're dwelling on the past. You need to focus on all the things you can achieve, and not on those bringing you down. Making that simple - yet, not easy - change of mindset can make a really big difference on motivation.
I myself am a binge eater. Or was. I'm not sure yet. But I can guarantee you guys that since I started changing certain thoughts and habits my life has been a lot better. And my life doesn't revolve around food anymore. So here I'm going to explain in details the changes that have helped me improve my quality of life and above all my wellbeing:
** Please note that I am no professional. The tips that I'm writing here are those that have helped me during my journey of overcoming my food obsession. Since they are based on my experience they may not help you as much as they helped me - but I really hope they do! It's always good to see things from different points of view. **
In my opinion there are two main points that need to be attacked when you decide you don't want to binge anymore:
a. The food obsessing: This includes normalizing food, being able to eat according to what your body needs, and learning to ignore the negative thoughts or beliefs that lead to bingeing. Most of the times is all inside your head. You think something like 'oh, I could binge' then you feel like it's going to be good (and terrible at the same time) and in no time your hand is flying towards a cookie. Changing this way of thinking is the hardest part mostly because we have these really strong beliefs installed in our brains that tell us negative affirmations about ourselves. 'I will never stop bingeing', 'I will fall back into it in a week', 'I was born to be fat'. Overeating and binge eating work as a response to those negative thoughts. They are a way to stop thinking about your problems even if you're not conscious of it. If you managed to get rid of those thoughts, would it be easier to slowly stop bingeing? Probably, but then there's our next point;
b. The unhealthy habits: This includes not having regular meals (three meals and two snacks, for example), sleeping just a few hours, not exercising, being un-tidy, etc. Believe me, when you're organized in your daily life binge eating slowly stops becoming an option. Having schedules, proper meal times and being active lowers anxiety levels, therefore, many of the urges to binge. Organizing your daily life is a great way of preventing binge eating. If you make room in your life for healthy habits, you will be kicking out the overeating ones, slowly but probably permanently.
My concrete, practical tips are the following:
- Slow down, make a plan: Are you ready to start a life without binge eating? Visualize yourself without this disorder. Visualize how your life would be, you freer you'd feel. All the plans you could make. Imagine yourself as a powerful person who conquered an eating disorder. It's not easy to achieve so don't expect it to happen overnight. You will need to put everything you can on it. Maybe you won't be healthy by tomorrow morning but you will probably be very different in a few months. Stopping to binge eat can't happen in a minute but I tell you what can: deciding to make a change.
- Set times: Start going to bed earlier and also get up earlier, have enough hours of sleep, it is proved that it helps boosting the metabolism. Then have a healthy breakfast, a mid-morning snack if you need it, lunch, an afternoon snack and dinner. Have your meals on the clock. Never stay hungry for too long because it could lead you to a binge.
- Focus on the possibilities: Keep your ming on what you can do. Chances are you can't run a marathon, but maybe you can walk twenty more minutes a day. Maybe you can't cut all sugar from your diet, but you can stop having soda. It's the same with food, it's always good to stick to healthy eating, but that definitely doesn't mean you can't enjoy what you eat
- Exercise regularly: You don't need to become a professional, you can start just by walking some minutes a day, or you can take classes. The point here is that being active always helps lowering stress levels. In my case, this made a HUGE difference in my life and I swear I used to hate sports. You can always try to stay extra inspired by having someone joining you.
- Stay busy: Having too much time on your hands can be one of the most powerful triggers to a binge. You have time>you feel bored>you start feeling at unease>you cover that with bingeing.
- Manage anxiety: With exercise being one of the best options it's also important that you have hobbies that you truly enjoy. This will also help you becoming a more positive person.
But the three most important concrete tips, in my opinion are the next two:
1. Learn to recognize your triggers: You probably know exactly how an urge to binge feels. Try analyze why you're feeling them. Writing about it is very helpful. Describing when, where, who you were with, if it was a bad day, if you were nervous, if you knew you'd have a family plan later. It all matters. When you recognize the triggers you can actually start to deal with them.
2. See a therapist: Yes, you can try overcoming binge eating on your own and make great progress. But therapists have strategies to tackle all aspects of BED. They will see your problems from another perspective and guide you through recovery. You can learn a lot reading books and on the internet. But don't forget that a therapist studied for years to help people like us. Internet can't give us that real, face-to-face interaction.
3. Don't be hard on yourself: I know I said it before but I just can't say it too many times. Binge eating is an eating disorder. It's not easy to break free from it. So don't be hard on yourself. Yeah, I know saying it is much easier than actually doing it but you have to try. You have to try hard not to be hard on yourself (lol). Be kind to your body. We can make mistakes, let's just not dwell on them. Go for a walk, take a relaxing bath, listen to music. It will be fine.
I really hope this post helps somebody out there, even if it's just one person :) Eating disorders suck. But we are stronger than them. We can do this.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Heading into Blogland...
Hello there.
I've been thinking about starting a blog for quite a while, though there were many things stopping me from doing it, I finally decided.
There are lots of blogs in Blogland. Blogs about fashion, decoration, healthy living, cooking...
But when I needed to find a blog to which I could really relate, I didn't (maybe I didn't search well enough...). So now, that my own struggle is pretty much reaching its end, my experience might be helpful to somebody out there dealing with the same crap I've had to deal. I will openly talk about my problems, and how I've dealt with them. One of my main objectives here is to be as honest as possible, because bloggers sometimes don't really understand how much damage they do when they lie. So, here I go:
I am Pol, 19 years old, and a student. I love writing, reading, singing, cooking and hanging out with my friends and boyfriend. I don't really like my career so I will probably switch to another one soon. I have a cute hamster as a pet and if I wasn't allergic I'd LOVE to have a dog. I love my life right now, but it wasn't always like this. In fact, not at all.
Because I had/have an eating disorder (and many other issues related to it).
Which one? I'm not even sure. I was always overweight, ever since I was a little kid, I never knew what being thin was. I wasn't obese, just chubby, but my self-esteem was low enough for me to decide falling into the deep, deep rabbit hole of eating disorders.
Long story short, I intermittently gained and lost weight for years, until I was 18, got obsessed with it and lost 26 pounds in 5 months. I don't want to over-dramatize my experience, but it was terrible for me: food was the only thing in my mind, I never went out, I didn't enjoy my life, I stopped wanting to live because 'ew-calories'. I became a terribly bitter person and everybody who knew me could sense it. It was pretty stupid because getting thinner was supposed to make me happy, not to change me into this sick, obsessed, manipulative person.
So like most of the obsessed-with-food people, I fell into a bingeing cycle after my restrictive period... that caught me for a whole year. Once again, the only thing I thought about was food. It was terrible. I gained all the weight back. I tried everything but I just couldn't stop bingeing. I felt like I completely lost control of my life. I tried restricting and ended up hardcore bingeing every single time, it was a cycle I had no escape from.
I have always been an anxious person, but all this food-obsession crap skyrocketed my levels of it. It was so bad that I had to run away from many social situations. I was having anxiety crisis all day long, and thinking that people could discover me made me even more anxious. I didn't want to get up in the mornings, I felt like life isn't something worth living, that each day was a struggle and that I would never feel well again.
A relative of mine passed away under dramatic circumstances. It was an accident. She was pregnant. My family and I were crushed. That was when I decided I couldn't keep hurting myself anymore. I just couldn't be that ungrateful. Sometimes you just can't have everything you want the way you want it, and that's life. I decided that if I had and eating disorder or something I just had to fight it, no matter how hard. Because, shit, it really is hard but I just couldn't keep dwelling on how 'unlucky' I was.
So I stared fighting my demons. My anxiety, my low self-esteem, my bingeing, my obsession with food. It's taken me eight months to get where I am today, but I'm finally finding peace. Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I could have made. He taught to me try being more balanced, and to understand that being fat doesn't make me less of a person, but he also encouraged me to take proper care of my health, which I think is the best path. You don't need to be skinny, but you do need to take care of yourself. And your shit too.
I can't say I'm 'oh-so-healthy' and 'soooorecovered' because I would be lying. I still have rough moments, I still have bad days. But that's what they are, only moments or days. The most of the time I'm feeling great, wanting to live and ready to keep fighting this crap. I want to look back and think 'I can't believe how much it mattered'. I want to leave this behind so each time I meet somebody I won't have to worry about them finding out how troubled I am. I just want to be ok.
So I'm working toward achieving it! I'm rebuilding my confidence, self-esteem and health. I'm kicking the binges out of my life, and all the crap associated to them. I'm also trying to lose weight so I stay on an average range that makes me feel more confident - and I'm doing it the healthy way! No shortcuts this time!
As I pointed out before, if my experiences helps anybody out there in the world of internet... I'll be satisfied about writing here :)
Hugs to those taking the time to read me,
Pol
I've been thinking about starting a blog for quite a while, though there were many things stopping me from doing it, I finally decided.
There are lots of blogs in Blogland. Blogs about fashion, decoration, healthy living, cooking...
But when I needed to find a blog to which I could really relate, I didn't (maybe I didn't search well enough...). So now, that my own struggle is pretty much reaching its end, my experience might be helpful to somebody out there dealing with the same crap I've had to deal. I will openly talk about my problems, and how I've dealt with them. One of my main objectives here is to be as honest as possible, because bloggers sometimes don't really understand how much damage they do when they lie. So, here I go:
I am Pol, 19 years old, and a student. I love writing, reading, singing, cooking and hanging out with my friends and boyfriend. I don't really like my career so I will probably switch to another one soon. I have a cute hamster as a pet and if I wasn't allergic I'd LOVE to have a dog. I love my life right now, but it wasn't always like this. In fact, not at all.
Because I had/have an eating disorder (and many other issues related to it).
Which one? I'm not even sure. I was always overweight, ever since I was a little kid, I never knew what being thin was. I wasn't obese, just chubby, but my self-esteem was low enough for me to decide falling into the deep, deep rabbit hole of eating disorders.
Long story short, I intermittently gained and lost weight for years, until I was 18, got obsessed with it and lost 26 pounds in 5 months. I don't want to over-dramatize my experience, but it was terrible for me: food was the only thing in my mind, I never went out, I didn't enjoy my life, I stopped wanting to live because 'ew-calories'. I became a terribly bitter person and everybody who knew me could sense it. It was pretty stupid because getting thinner was supposed to make me happy, not to change me into this sick, obsessed, manipulative person.
So like most of the obsessed-with-food people, I fell into a bingeing cycle after my restrictive period... that caught me for a whole year. Once again, the only thing I thought about was food. It was terrible. I gained all the weight back. I tried everything but I just couldn't stop bingeing. I felt like I completely lost control of my life. I tried restricting and ended up hardcore bingeing every single time, it was a cycle I had no escape from.
I have always been an anxious person, but all this food-obsession crap skyrocketed my levels of it. It was so bad that I had to run away from many social situations. I was having anxiety crisis all day long, and thinking that people could discover me made me even more anxious. I didn't want to get up in the mornings, I felt like life isn't something worth living, that each day was a struggle and that I would never feel well again.
A relative of mine passed away under dramatic circumstances. It was an accident. She was pregnant. My family and I were crushed. That was when I decided I couldn't keep hurting myself anymore. I just couldn't be that ungrateful. Sometimes you just can't have everything you want the way you want it, and that's life. I decided that if I had and eating disorder or something I just had to fight it, no matter how hard. Because, shit, it really is hard but I just couldn't keep dwelling on how 'unlucky' I was.
So I stared fighting my demons. My anxiety, my low self-esteem, my bingeing, my obsession with food. It's taken me eight months to get where I am today, but I'm finally finding peace. Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I could have made. He taught to me try being more balanced, and to understand that being fat doesn't make me less of a person, but he also encouraged me to take proper care of my health, which I think is the best path. You don't need to be skinny, but you do need to take care of yourself. And your shit too.
I can't say I'm 'oh-so-healthy' and 'soooorecovered' because I would be lying. I still have rough moments, I still have bad days. But that's what they are, only moments or days. The most of the time I'm feeling great, wanting to live and ready to keep fighting this crap. I want to look back and think 'I can't believe how much it mattered'. I want to leave this behind so each time I meet somebody I won't have to worry about them finding out how troubled I am. I just want to be ok.
So I'm working toward achieving it! I'm rebuilding my confidence, self-esteem and health. I'm kicking the binges out of my life, and all the crap associated to them. I'm also trying to lose weight so I stay on an average range that makes me feel more confident - and I'm doing it the healthy way! No shortcuts this time!
As I pointed out before, if my experiences helps anybody out there in the world of internet... I'll be satisfied about writing here :)
Hugs to those taking the time to read me,
Pol
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